Quite possibly the dumbest conspiracy lately

When we go to the grocery store here, I tend to park in the same space. I know half of you think of me like Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets, and that’s fine. But my parking space is straight out from the exit, but not so close to the exit that I have to fight road rage-y New Yorkers to get out of the parking lot. My sanity is getting increasingly precious.

This parking space happens to be next to a big blue mailbox. And every time I pull in, our eight-year-old daughter yells, “Look, Mommy, it’s an Old Time Mailbox!”

The first time she said this, I felt really old. That’s why she keeps saying it, after all. But the fact of the matter is, I have not stuck a letter in an Old Time Mailbox for at least two decades. In fact, very little of the non-junk mail I receive anymore comes through the USPS. Bills are paid online. Magazines and news are read online. Amazon rarely uses USPS because they are incapable of delivering mail anywhere close to the deadlines necessary for Prime business. I have vowed never to ship Christmas presents through the post office ever again. Things I can ship for free via Amazon cost $50+ to ship to relatives in Colorado, and I could personally get in the car and drive them there faster than they will receive them.

One time, we had to have a client re-send a check for services because the check had been lost in the mail. It did arrive, four weeks later, and it was crumpled and had actual tire tracks across it. I know. Who among us cannot carry something from one place to another without backing over it a few times in our car? Given that the USPS can no longer operate at anything short of a multi-billion-dollar loss, I imagine I am not the only person who has little faith in their services.

The USPS sucks. They rank right up there now with fax machines and pay phones in terms of things people under the age of 65 have managed to live without. (Much like Old Time Mailboxes, the last pay phone I have seen recently was in a public park in Charleston. Right next to a statue of a Confederate general, which I thought was pretty appropriate. I took a picture of the pay phone.)

But the Democratic Party is now trying to make defending the USPS’s honor central to the presidential election season, because that is how absolutely fucking detached from reality and the concerns of American citizens these clowns are now. Complete with conspiracy theories about the removal of Old Time Mailboxes. No kidding, this is a THING now. Trump is going to steal the election by taking Old Time Mailboxes out of communities! I think a guy with a Russian accent shoved one into a van down by the river!

This is a reporter at the Washington Post, guys:

How can we possibly ensure the integrity of an election in Oregon, the Land of Millennials, when Old Time Mailboxes are being carried away by Stormtroopers in the dead of night?

This is so important to Democrats that they activated Taylor Swift, who is trying to stay relevant by groveling to the DC chattering class, to call attention to the threat Old Time Mailboxes pose to finally removing the evil orange authoritarian from power once and for all:

For years now, it has felt like Democrats were living in a game of political Mad Libs, like [insert noun] is [racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, transphobic, threat to democracy, constitutional crisis].

This [margarine] is [racist]. The [national anthem] is a [threat to democracy].

I feel like this is elevating the game, right? I mean, you have no trouble going out to eat at a Mexican restaurant, but voting in person is a threat to your survival? Much like the olds in my town have no problem swimming in a community pool, but don’t you dare open schools.

[Old Time Mailboxes] are [a threat to democracy].

Good times, y’all. Good times.

I really wonder what moron is running Biden’s campaign at this point. The biggest liability Biden has (apart from Kamala Harris, anyway) is he is crazy old. Should have been in a nursing home five years ago old. So to distract from that, you what, start picking fights about mailboxes? When he starts going on about the Pony Express, remember, you brought this upon yourselves.

Democrats are now relishing the idea of the President and First Lady of the United States, who are stuck, for good reason, in this place called Washington DC, submitting an absentee ballot for the State of Florida. Well, if the president gets to vote for mail, clearly it is too inconvenient for you to drive down the street to a church gymnasium! The whole thing is absolutely bonkers. Their alternative is, what, Trump flies down to a swing state to kiss babies and cast his vote in person? Really, is there not a basic IQ threshold for running the DNC?

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