If I were planning the Republican convention…

I haven’t been watching the Democratic National Convention bleatfest on television because, well, you know, I have a life. “Let’s watch a bunch of grumptastic career politicians who still cling to their Marxist fantasies from college (only sixty years ago!) talk about how Washington DC used to be an upstanding and decent place full of people who had only the strictest moral standards, before nominating someone who is so senile he can’t remember how many grandchildren he has,” said no one, ever.

(Seriously, though. Twice. Biden has said he has five grandchildren twice. His only living son literally just had another kid months ago and literally just lost a court battle over an illegitimate child he fathered with an Arkansas stripper. Seven, buddy. You have seven grandchildren. I’m sure they love you too.)

Even the hate-watchers seem to be bored:

This reply got me thinking…. Why not turn Trump loose on stage for the RNC? I mean, the fact that Trump is not a sour, humorless Facebook Karen is the main thing that distinguishes Trump from Democrats these days.

If I were planning the RNC, I would turn it into a Saturday Night Live-esque variety show that did nothing but mock all the conspiracy theories that Democrats have pushed in the last few years.

Since the DNC has recruited such illustrious former Republicans as John Kasich and Meg Whitman, the RNC needs some baller Democrats. Have Michael Avenatti and Stormy Daniels impersonators co-host the event. They can interview Louise Mensch about how Orrin Hatch is secretly president after Trump was arrested by the marshal of the Supreme Court.

Everyone who appears obviously needs to be wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Bill Barr can do a Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy rendition with big blue mailboxes on wheels running away from him. Kasich can try to shield the mailboxes shouting “my daddy was a mailman” indignantly.

There would be swag bags of hydroxychloroquine, Diet Coke, and vouchers for two scoops of ice cream.

Clearly Putin is going to need to make an appearance. And Jim Acosta’s diary and Chris Cuomo (fresh from his basement). And a spoof MSNBC panel of disgraced FBI agents and former Mueller prosecutors moderated by a crying Rachel Maddow.

This is the kind of comedy our country needs this year. I say let it fly. We already know what Trump’s policy ideas are.

One thought on “If I were planning the Republican convention…

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